


It's Not a Cry You Can Hear at Night, It's Not Somebody Who's Seen the Light

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: But also... requited at the same time, Canon Compliant, Complicated Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Simon Cowell is Satan, Unrequited Love, mild violence, referenced sexual content, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-21
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-11-16 19:23:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11259360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Niall had felt so shook to his very core, so dazed that he'd merely responded to Louis with an "Oh. Okay." before hanging up and staring at the ceiling of his hotel room for five hours. Even now, he couldn't remember a single thought that had gone through his head during that time. Harry had called him every fifteen minutes for that entire day, but Niall hadn't heard the phone ring onceEverything had happened so quickly after that. The news hit the media within twenty four hours and it was the like the Internet exploded. People screaming foul play, fans trying to turn Liam in this generation's Kurt Cobain. Niall had deleted his Twitter app, and started listening to CDs rather than the radio. It was such bullshit, it had been an accident, the police had said so, everybody said so.





	It's Not a Cry You Can Hear at Night, It's Not Somebody Who's Seen the Light

**Author's Note:**

> This is so sad I'm sorry. The Louis/Harry history is really relevant but there's not actually much between them personally. This fic is Niall centric 100%

 

Niall Horan used his spare key to unlock the front door. He was instantly hit the familiar scent of peppermint and Old Spice shampoo, mixed with just the barest hint of tobacco. A smell that was just so overwhelming  _ Liam.  _ It stopped Niall dead in his tracks, and he held his breath. He felt Harry Styles' arm slip into his own and Niall forced himself to look over at his friend.

"We don't have to do this." Harry said softly.

"Yes, we do." Niall croaked out. "There's nobody else that could-" He couldn't bring himself to even finish his sentence.

Harry nodded anyways. Nobody else could even be considered to gather up Liam's things, and they were running out of time to do it. It had been almost three weeks and while the landlord had been accommodating, he was clearly getting antsy and was ready to get the flat rented out again as soon as possible. Niall would never expect any of Liam's family to fly in from the UK to do this in their time of grief, so it came down to himself and the boys. Louis had more or less refused, though, seemingly busy every time Niall had attempted to make the plans to go and get it over with. Zayn had called Niall more than a dozen times, but Niall had ignored every one. He assumed that Louis and Harry had as well. Deep down, Niall knew that Zayn had loved Liam too and that he must be hurting just as much, but Niall wasn't ready to let Zayn into his grief right now. He doubted Louis would ever be ready for that. So that left Niall with the ever-loyal Harry by his side.

"Where do you want to start?" Harry asked, closing the door behind the two of them. Niall had been in England when it had happened, he still remembered waking up hungover as all hell to Louis' frantic phone call... words Niall would never forget for as long as he lived.

_ "He's gone, Nialler. Liam's gone. He's dead." _

Niall had felt so shook to his very core, so dazed that he'd merely responded to Louis with an "Oh. Okay." before hanging up and staring at the ceiling of his hotel room for five hours. Even now, he couldn't remember a single thought that had gone through his head during that time. Harry had called him every fifteen minutes for that entire day, but Niall hadn't heard the phone ring once.

Everything had happened so quickly after that. The news hit the media within twenty four hours and it was the like the Internet exploded. People screaming foul play, fans trying to turn Liam in this generation's Kurt Cobain. Niall had deleted his Twitter app, and started listening to CDs rather than the radio. It was such bullshit, it had been an accident, the police had said so,  _ everybody  _ said so. Sleeping pills mixed with alcohol, a leathal combination, but not unheard of. Liam just wanted to go to sleep, and then he never got up. He probably never even knew something was wrong.

Niall supposed that should've made him feel better somehow, but it only made him feel sicker. There had been a tightness in his chest for the last three weeks, a feeling he couldn't quite explain. He hadn't even known that Liam needed pills to help him sleep.

"Nialler?" Harry asked, staring at him with obvious concern. Harry was handling this better than anybody else, Niall marvelled. He was taking it in a very Harry-way, throwing himself into making sure everybody was doing okay. Spending hours sitting on Louis couch while the older boy screamed at video games and coming over to make sure Niall was eating proper. It was almost as though the ghost of Daddy Direction past was posessing Harry Styles with a vegenance, and the thought would make Niall laugh if it didn't make him want to cry.

"Let's just..." Niall frowned. "Dive right in, then. Liam's room will be the hardest, yeah?"

Harry's eyes widened, and for a moment Niall could see that his friend was torn up inside as well before Harry put back on his game face. "Yeah, alright."

Niall nodded just once and led the way but he hesistated before opening the door. He hadn't been in Liam's bedroom since a couple weeks after they went on hiatus. The last time he'd been in there it had just been the two of them, the whole night a memory that Niall had long since pushed to the back of his mind and tried to forget about. It had been trying to resurface over the last couple of weeks, but Niall had stubbornly pushed it away every time.

"It wasn't here," Harry said quietly at his side as he reached for the handle, pushing the door open. "This wasn't where he.... y'know."

Niall looked over, startled. He hadn't even thought about this being when Liam might have been found. "How do you know..."

Harry gave a half shrug, as though he wasn't committed to the action. "I was here. Was staying with him for a couple o’ days.” 

Niall hadn't known any of that, couldn't quite believe it. If Harry had been there when they'd found Liam- if he had been the one who  _ found  _ Liam- then why had it been Louis who'd called him? And if Liam had overdosed accidentally on sleeping pills then why-

"Where was he?" Niall asked in a soft, almost scared voice. "Why didn't he go to sleep in his room?"

Harry's posture was stiff, and the short eye contact he made with Niall was full of pain. "Do you really want to know what room Liam was in when he died? Would that make you feel better or do you think maybe that would make every second of this harder?"

_ Would  _ it make it harder? Niall wasn't sure. Every time Niall had allowed his brain to wander to Liam's last moments, it had always been Liam in bed, asleep and blissfully unaware of what was coming... but Harry had just told him that wasn't the case at all. He just stared at his friend for a moment before turning into the bedroom.

The bedroom that was almost unhealthly clean. Not a single thing seemed to be out of place, aside from the settling of dust on the hard surfaces that came from the lack of life within the room. The same dust was no doubt settled on everything else in the flat. Three weeks was a long time without movement. But the books were organzied by author's last name and his bed was made to perfection that Niall had only ever seen in the fanciest hotels. He almost wanted to check under the pillow for a chocolate or something.

"Wow." Harry whistled. "I knew Liam was Virgo as all hell, but this is almost creepy."

"You didn't see this when you were staying with him?" Niall asked distantly. Harry sat down on the perfect bed and gave Niall a long, lingering look as though sizing him up for a sacrifice.

"We didn't come in here," he said finally, looking away and becoming suddenly interested in his fingernails. Niall let out a loud huff, suddenly wishing Harry was anywhere but here. He didn't think he'd ever be able to look at Harry again without having to imagine the boy finding Liam's body. He knew it was selfish, that surely that was something that would haunt Harry forever but Niall couldn't bring himself to care about Harry right now. How could Harry have gone three weeks without mentioning that he'd been with Liam the night he'd died? That Harry had seen Liam in his last moments, maybe heard his last words? There were so many questions that Niall could ask, but right now he was just trying to contain the bubbling rage that had been boiling inside him for three weeks. Right now he couldn't even decide if he'd rather sit down and talk to Harry for hours or sock him right in the jaw.

Niall settled for turning away bitterly, focusing his attention on the dresser against the wall. He stared at it for a good minute before his eyes finally focused and he noticed the evenlope sitting there. There was nothing written on it and it wasn't sealed. Niall moved towards it, hand out stretched.

"Niall..." Harry called out, his voice thick with an emotion that Niall couldn't pin point. Niall glanced over his shoulder and Harry just staring at him, eyes almost looking tortured, while the rest of his face seemed almost expressionless. "Don't look at that."

"Why not?" Niall asked. "What are you hiding from me?"

Harry just frowned so Niall grabbed the evenlope and yanked out several pieces of lined paper. The air was knocked out of his lungs as he recongized Liam's slighlty messy printing.

_ Hey, so, I guess I'm just assuming Niall will find this. If anybody would think about it, it's you. Hell, maybe nobody else would even bother to look. But Niall- or whoever- what you've got in your hands are the answer to what question you must have been asking yourself already. _

_ What happened to me, and why it had to end. Why I couldn't do it anymore. _

Niall choked on his emotions and turned to glare at Harry. He read the words out loud, his entire body shaking. Harry looked like he was going to throw up but Niall had no pinch of sympathy in him. "You  _ knew!?!" _

"No, no, I didn't know." Harry said. "I mean, not really, I just... I sort of figured it out, ya know?"

"No!" Niall cried. "No I defintely do not know! What the fuck, Harry?"

"I didn't know for sure that he... killed himself." Harry said, picking at the bedspread. "Until I got called into PR and they told me I shouldn't tell anybody that I was the one who found him- not even you or Lou. And that they were ruling his death an accidental overdose and warned me to say anything that would make it sound like anything else."

Niall's entire body was trembled. "Why would they cover this up?" He managed to squeak out, stumbling over to bed and dropping down onto it, Liam's letter still clutched tightly in his hands. To Harry's credit, he knew better than to touch him.

"Oh, I don't know," Harry laughed humourlessly. "Maybe because they're heartless spawns of Satan that don't care about anything other than their own self image?"

"Then why did you help cover this up?" Niall asked, feeling his breathing beginning to slow back down to an almost regular rate.

"Been doin it for years, mate," Harry said quietly. "Came pretty naturally to just do what they said, better than what would've happened if I hadn't."

"What would've happened?" Niall asked, every vein in his body running cold. He'd always known that their management had held them on too hard a leash, his own body bore a permadent reminder of that. Not to mention Louis and Harry's relationship, which Niall believed really could've been a forever love if the management hadn't made it unbearable for them both in the end.

"Honestly..." Harry sighed. "I bet whatever Liam wrote will explain this better than I ever could."

He looked back down at the papers, which were now crimpled from how hard Niall had been clutching them. "Have you read it?"

"No!" Harry cried, actually looking offended. "I didn't even know it existed, Niall, I promise."

Niall nodded, throat too tight to push out words for a moment. When he could finally speak again, he shoved the note to Harry. "Read it outloud then."

Harry looked for a moment like he might just refuse, but then took the letters and stretched them out before him. "God, Liam's writing is bloody awful isn't?"

Niall actually chuckled until his brain caught up to the fact that Harry had referred to Liam in present tense.... couldn't do that anymore. By the pained expression on Harry's face, he'd caught the slip up too. So he just started to read.

_ “I want to start this from the beginning, but the problem is I’m not really sure where that is. I could go as far back at grammar school, and it really wouldn’t be a stretch. You boys already heard my stories growing up, the bullying and everything. The nickname Pudgy Payne still sometimes haunted my dreams but that wouldn’t really be true. For the most part, I’ve long gotten over that. You all helped me get over that. _

_ I could say this started as recently as when we all went on hiatus and I was suddenly alone more often than not. Got to spend some quality time with my thoughts and that wouldn’t be a stretch either. When I went from seeing you all every couple of days, to every couple of weeks to every couple of months is when I realized how much I’d come to depend on you all in my life. But it isn’t really fair to blame this merely on the fact that you weren’t all around all the time anymore, but I know it was long before that that things started going tits up for me. _

_ Maybe the final nail in the coffin was what happened last summer.... or maybe not. It probably all really started the day I had my private meeting with Simon a couple of weeks after we got signed with Modest! Harry had just convinced me to stopped fighting my curls and straightening my hair everyday (thank you by the way, Haz) and I could recite that meeting from memory because even then I think I knew that it was a turning point in my life.” _

Niall’s knee was bouncing and he felt his mind trying to wander, trying to avoid Liam’s words being read to him from Harry’s voice. He cracked his knuckles and forced himself to zone back in.

_ “Simon was there with several different PR big shots that I don’t think I ever even learned the names of. He sat me down and told me that he knew about Louis and Harry. He tried to make it sound like he was all accepting of it but even at seventeen I knew that he wasn’t comfortable with it at all and then told me that-” _

Harry let out a whine and stopped reading. He lowered Liam’s letter and his face had paled from all and any colour.

“What?” Niall asked.

“I never knew.” Harry said quietly. “I didn’t.... I never....”

Niall grabbed the papers from Harry and started to read it outloud.

_ "and then he told me that he needed to help them keep Louis and Harry's relationship a secret, that it would just bring bad press and that he knew I'd do what was best for the band. I think I knew that wasn't really why he wanted to keep them in the closet but I agreed to do it anyway- to keep them under control and to put myself in between them in interviews. I had no idea what I was signing up for, of course, that Louis and Harry were a force to reckon with. I wasn't even really friends with Harry and I was pretty sure that Louis hated me back then. I just didn't know and I defintely didn't know how much trouble to was going to bring all three of us when I couldn't keep them apart." _

Niall closed his eyes and tried to listen to what sounded like Harry fighting back sobs. "Bloody fucking hell...." Niall muttered, his brain drawing forward all these memories of their early days, of interviews where Liam did exactly what he'd been mentioning. Niall had always assumed that Liam had just been trying to make things easier for their bandmates, because they'd all known that management wouldn't let them be public with their relationship. He certainly had never considered that Liam was being forced to do those things. Judging by Harry's distraught expression, he hadn't either.

"I'd never..." Harry breathed in deeply. "I wish I'd  _ known,  _ Christ, Liam...Louis tore him apart so many times in the beginning for getting between us. He used to think Liam fancied me, did you know that?"

The idea of Liam fancing Harry made Niall's inside crawl, so he just bit his lip and said nothing. Harry wasn't really talking to him anyway.

"I used to think it was annoying too... Louis made this big show of being extra affectionate when Liam started trying to separate us. He must have gotten in so much trouble because of us. Fuck."

"You didn't know." Niall said meekly. "We were bloody kids."

Harry frowned and nodded towards the note. Niall took a deep breath and held it back up to his face.

_ "It certainly didn't help my relationship with Louis at all, if I'd thought he hated me before then he despised me after. Couldn't really blame him though, I would've hated me too. It was a shit thing to do and I should've known better. No matter what way I sliced it down to myself, agreeing was just being an insecure kid. They told me keeping Louis and Harry a secret was what was best for the band so I listened. I needed the band because it was really the first time I'd found myself having friends. Maybe not Louis back then, but Harry and Zayn... And Niall. _

_ Hell, Niall Horan saved my life when I was sixteen." _

Niall hadn't even noticed that he'd stopped reading until Harry was taking the note gently away from him. He didn't read it, didn't even look at it. He was only looking at Niall, who's gaze was still trapped to the spot where Liam's words had just been.

Then Harry was cupping his face and turning Niall to look at him. "Niall." He said in a firm voice, managing to bring Niall's mind back into the room and ground him in one single word.

"Harry." Niall forced out the name, it taking every ounce of willpower he had.

"We don't have to do this right now, don't have to read this outloud or together or... at all if you don't want to." Harry said.

"I don't want to." Niall replied honestly. "But we have to. These are his words, we need to hear them, Harry. You know we do."

Harry brushed a thumb across Niall's cheek before pulling away. "Do you want to read it or should I?"

"He's talking about me." Niall said firmly, taking the paper from Harry's lap. "I'll read it."

Harry just nodded.

_ "Niall Horan saved my life when I was sixteen. I hadn't been lying when I said this could've started in grammar school. Before auditioning for the X Factor that second time, I'd already attempted suicide twice. The first time I'd failed so terribly that my mum didn't even know it happened. It's apparently not so easy to overdose on Tylenol and I didn't know anything about... well anything back then. After I got kicked off the X Factor the first time I did a little bit worse- or better, I guess depending on how you want to see things- and got myself that lovely three-day stay in hospital care. _

_ My second X Factor audition was more of a last ditch effort to find something in my life that could be good for me. That I could be good for. Then when I made it through at first, I got roomed with Niall. Niall was probably the first person I'd ever really met that treated me well from the very beginning. He didn't make jokes about me or to me and I didn't have to earn his niceness. He was just... nice to me. Niall resorted my belief that not everybody could be an asshole. When I got put into a band with him, all I could see was that it was sign that my life could get better, that I could have nice things. _

_ And for a while that was true. Until it wasn't anymore, but I'll get there." _

Niall didn't want him to get there. He didn't want to have to read Liam's recount of that night last summer. He never wanted to think about last summer again, it had taken him months to get the ache to go away the first time. He was pretty sure if he had to revisit it, the pain would never stop.

_ “I was talking about Louis and Harry- and I owe them an apology. I help ruin something that should’ve been so special between them. By the time I realized just how real it was- the kind of love that people searched their entire lives and never found- it was too late for me to stop. Too late to tell Simon I wouldn’t do it anymore. It was even too late to tell them what I’d had to do, because they never would’ve have forgiven me and on top of being a terrible friend, I was apparently a coward too. I couldn’t handle the thought of loosi-” _

“Stop.” Harry’s voice cut through Niall like a knife. “Stop, please stop.”

Niall looked over and saw Harry tears burning in his eyes. “I know you wouldn’t have blamed him.” Niall said quietly but the words felt shallow.

“I don’t know what I would’ve thought back then. Maybe he was right not to tell us.” Harry said, shaking hair in front of his eyes.

Niall said nothing before frowning. “Do you think he told Zayn?”

Harry looked at him for a long time before he actually let out a shaky laugh. “Did he tell you?”

“No?” Niall crinkled up his nose.

“Then he didn’t tell Zayn either.” Harry laid back on the bed and curled up into a small ball, grabbing Liam’s pillow and holding it to his chest. Niall waited until Harry gave him the okay to start reading again.

_ "I couldn't handle the thought of loosing them. I knew if Harry turned on me, the band would fall apart and I'd have nothing left. Nothing except Niall- because really, back then I couldn't imagine ever really loosing Niall. Couldn't imagine life withot Niall, I didn't think their was anything anybody could do that would've been bad enough to have Niall turn away from you. Course, everybody has their breaking point. _

_ Point is, I needed One Direction and that might Louis and Harry could never know what I'd been doing for Simon. Once I put in the word to have a real friendship with Louis, there was really no going back. I couldn't even fathom somebody conciously choosing to stop being friends with Louis Tomlinson (hi Zayn!). I supposed it's more like they'll know now, but hey- I won't know if they hate me now, right? No harm, no foul. _

_ For all that it's worth, I really do hope you two can sit down and work it out. I've seen people who'd been married for seventy some-odd years and they didn't love each other as much as you two did. As you two do. _

_ But hey, maybe this didn't start with Louis and Harry at all. That might have been the beginning of me surfacing as a terrible friend, but it wasn't something I couldn't handle. I lived with it for seven years, what would the rest of my life have been?  _

_ I don't blame Dan-”  _

Niall had gotten so caught up in Liam's heart felt words that he didn't hear the knocking at first. He glanced round at Harry, who was looking up at him with confused green eyes. The two men left the papers on Liam's bed and rounded to go to the front door.

As Harry moved to answer the insistent knocking at the door, Niall found his brain wandering unwillingly to the last time he saw Liam. He'd flown out to see Niall performing live and Niall had tried his hardest not to let it be awkward. He really had tried. He'd Tweeted about the visit, because he knew the fans would be expecting at least that, and he'd said that he'd missed Liam- because it had been true.

He just didn't know how to act around Liam anymore. He didn't know what was acceptable anymore or what crossed some sort of undiscussed line. So, admittedly, Niall hadn't been the best host to Liam while he'd been staying with him. He'd dragged Liam to a party full of people Liam didn't know, and when Liam had left early Niall's only response had been "yeah, okay, see ya mate."

And what had Liam said to him?

"Goodbye, Niall."

Liam had caught an early flight the next morning before Niall had even woken up, and they hadn't spoken since. Every snapchat had gone unopened, every phone call sent to voicemail and every text unanswered. Niall took the hint quickly and gave up. Sometimes people grew apart, Niall had tried to reason it himself. He and Liam were just growing apart, that was all. Nothing more, nothing less. It hurt but Niall could push past it. He really could, he could live without Liam.

At least that’s what he had told himself, not knowing he was truly facing a life without Liam.

"Oh." Harry's voice broke Niall back into attention and he jerked towards the door. "What are you doing here?"

"You weren't answering any of my calls- any of you." Zayn Malik stood in the doorway of Liam's flat, looking almost like a ghost himself. Niall's knees shook and he turned away, trying to keep the bare minimum of food he'd been able to consume the past weeks in his stomach. "I just wanted to-"

"Wanted to what?" Harry asked, his voice unnaturally cold. Niall knew he was probably the only member of One Direction that hadn't held too much of a grudge against Zayn for the Twitter fight years before. Liam had walked around like a puppy who'd been kicked for weeks, and that was enough to keep Louis in a rage for too long to go back. And Harry… Harry had loved Louis too much to ever really forgive Zayn for the way he handled himself back then.

Now though, Zayn's bottom lip trembled and his gaze was set hard to the floor. "He was my friend too, Harry."

"Really?" Harry asked. "When's the last time you even talked to him?"

"When was the last time you did?" Zayn shot back, eyes flashing. Harry's face contorted for a moment, and he crossed his arms as though to hold himself in his body. "Look, I didn't come here to fight. That's the last thing I want. It's… it's the last thing Liam would've wanted."

"I think the last thing Liam would've wanted was for you to walk out of our lives as though you were so much better than us." Niall pitched in, his voice sounding hoarse even to his own ears. Zayn's gaze jerked over to him and his frown became more pronounced.

"That was never my intention, Niall." Zayn pleaded.

"Doesn't change what happened." Niall shook his head, pressing his back of his fist to his mouth. "You were a first-class twat mate."

"I know." Zayn sighed, running his fingers through his hair. Niall looked over at him, frowning himself now. He marched over to the island table and sat down, staring at the dusty marble top. "I know, Niall, I'm sorry."

Niall just pressed his forehead to cool counter top and counted to ten before sitting back up. "If you're going be here, at least make yourself useful and help us pack up Liam's shit."

Zayn looked around and his brow furrowed. "It looks like somebody already did, doesn't it?"

Niall jerked around the room, looking at the room that seemed even more empty than he'd noticed before. Dust had settled on every surface of the house, but there wasn't a whole lot of anything sitting around. There were no movies on his self anymore, no pictures hanging on his wall. This wasn't the same flat Niall had stayed at last summer. This was just an empty shell of that flat.

Niall turned around to look at Harry, but found the other boy looked stubborningly at the ground. His hands shook as he stood up, marching over to the cupboards and throwing them open. Blank white space stared back at him. One cup. One plate. One bowl. Everything sitting on the same shelf. He squeezed his eyes shut and closed the cupboard. Hands trembling, he moved back over and clutched the counter.

"Harry." He hissed. His legs shook and he gripped all the harder to remain on his feet. He felt an arm drape around him but he pushed them off. Rubbing his hands across his face, he took several more deep breaths. "Harry, what the fuck."

"Niall…" Harry sighed. The silence that followed rang out through the entire flat, broken only by the sound of Niall's nearly frantic breathing.

"So, what's going on here?" Zayn asked, eyes having almost a dark twinkle to them. Niall bit his lip and turned away bitterly. This wasn't a conversation he ever wanted to have with anybody, let alone with Zayn right now.

///

Niall just clicked his tongue and stomped back towards Liam's bedroom, daring anybody to follow him. Wondering if Harry would have the nerve to. Niall didn't see any way that Harry could've stayed in Liam's apartment and not known that something was very seriously wrong. How he could've not known what Liam was thinking, what he was going to do. It seemed impossible in every light, and his heart raced with anger. Niall could've taken one look around the place and known. Had gotten Liam help.

_ But you didn't,  _ a snide voice said from deep inside Niall's head.  _ You never even gave yourself the chance that Harry had because you never came back here. You were too caught up in your own freaking out to be here for Liam when he needed you. _

Niall fisted his knuckles into his eyes and tried not to scream. He stomped back over to the bed and grabbed Liam's letter, stuffing it into his back pocket. Like fucking hell he was going to let Zayn hear a single word of what Liam had to say. Zayn had left Liam's life a long time ago, he had no right.

"That's not just for you." Harry's voice carried from the doorway. Niall refused to turn around. Refuses to let Harry see the tears that stung at his eyes or the flush he knew had covered his cheeks.

"Could be." Niall huffed. He flopped himself down on Liam's bed, staring at the ceiling, the walls, anywhere but at Harry. "Was addressed to me."

"Not really," Harry said lightly. "Said he assumed you'd be the one to find it, not that it was  _ for  _ you."

"What's the bloody difference?" Niall snapped. "He wrote it with me in mind and there's fucking way I'm letting Zayn have anything to do with this. He doesn’t- he wasn't-"

Harry let out a loud sigh. "Nialler, you don't know what's on there. Zayn was a big part of Liam's life, chances are he comes up in there."

"I don't care." Niall said.

"Could you imagine if it was the other way around?" Harry asked. "If  _ Zayn  _ knew about a note from Liam and he kept it from you? Didn't even tell you it existed?"

Niall groaned loudly. "I don't care, Harry. I don't. Zayn lost his Liam rights when he walked out of Liam's life, alright? When he let Liam down."

"Reckon we all let Liam down." Harry said quietly, so quietly that Niall almost-  _ almost-  _ didn't hear him. His heart clenched up in his chest, his stomach twisted up in a million knots, and he clenched his hands shut. What right did Harry have to right about anything right now, when all the things he'd done were so wrong?

"Yeah, seems like you more than anybody else." Niall threw the words at Harry, wanting them to bruise, wanting them to leave Harry black and blue all over.

"Yeah. You're probably right." Harry said coolly. "So be angry at me, bloody hell, I deserve it. But don't take your pain out on Zayn, mate. You're mad at him for leaving the band, you never were. You don't get to suddenly act all pissed off about it when it's obvious that it's not what your problem is."

Niall forced himself to sit up and finally look at Harry. He took in Harry's pale complexion, the flatness of his usually flawless curls and his rumpled clothing. Sympathy ran through him for a spilt second before Niall pushed it away by physically shaking his head. He wasn't going to feel bad for Harry, he couldn't handle that right now. " _ My problem  _ is that my best mate is dead and one of the people we trusted most in the world knew it was going to happen and just let it fucking happen anyway."

"I'm not sure what you want from me, Niall." Harry said in hard voice. "I can't change what's happened."

"No." Niall agreed. "You can't."

The two of them stared at each other for several deeps before Harry sighed quietly. "Niall, do you want me to leave? There's not much here, you can probably handle-"

"No." Niall said suddenly, almost frantically. The thought of Harry leaving him here made Niall's heart race way beyond what he thought was healthy. "No, don't leave. Stay. Let's get this done- me, you and Zayn."

Harry frowned, his brow crinkling. "Yeah, alright."

Niall knew he was begin confusing, but he couldn't explain how he was feeling even to himself. Parts of him wanted to kick Harry and Zayn the hell out and never speak to either of them again, but another part of him- the stronger part apparently- was terrified of what might happen if they left him here alone. He wasn't sure if he ever wanted to be left alone again for as long as he lived.

"Wish Lou was here," Harry suddenly, breaking Niall free from his inner turmoil. He looked up at Harry and actually cracked a smile.

"How many times have you thought that over the last year?" He asked, not needing to fight to keep his voice light for the first time. Harry jerked to look him, eyes widening before he barked out a rough laugh. Niall pushed off the bed and walked past Harry, forcing himself to pat the other boy on the shoulder on his way out. Harry stood completely immobile for a moment before trailing after Niall.

"Right, so," Harry cleared his throat. "I guess we should start here in the main room and kitchen, and then move to the bedroom and the bathroom. Doesn't look like it's going to be as much work as originally thought-"

"Understatement." Niall grumbled under his breath. He thought he caught Harry glaring at him from the side of his eye, but chose to kindly ignore it.

"Why don't we spilt up?" Zayn suggested. "It would take up less-"

"If you want to be alone in Liam's flat packing up all his shit, be my guest." Niall snapped. "Harry and I are sticking together. But I'm sure it won't be nearly as difficult for you, of course."  

Zayn's face fell and Harry stuck his hands into his back pockets, biting at his bottom lip. Niall supposed he should feel bad, that he was taking things too far, but he couldn't really be bothered to give a single fuck right now. Liam was dead and Niall's world was just a giant tense ball of chaos. Nothing mattered anymore. Not Liam's things, not Zayn's feelings, nothing.

"I never stopped loving you guys." Zayn said, but he said it so quietly that Niall could pretend he didn't hear it. Harry too, seemed to take the same tactic, simply launching into living to grab any items that belonged to Liam.

"The furniture is staying, yeah?" He called over his shoulder to Niall as he picked up the one single book that was laid out on Liam's glass coffee table.

"Yeah."

Niall looked around the room, wondering why they were even bothering. The entire place could be packed up in one box, with the furniture staying. Zayn was hovering awkwardly in the doorway, flicking his lighter over and over.

"So, um-" He cleared his throat. "Why isn't Louis here?"

Niall let out an irritated sigh. "Thought cleaning out the flat Liam died in would be a little too hard for him. Guess he didn't know it was already pretty much empty, yeah, Harry?"

Harry fumbled with the book, catching it just before it hit the floor. Niall gave him a withering look, before grabbing the single snapback that sat on the white shelf which had once held a good hundred video games. A hat that had, really, once belonged to Niall. He'd left it here after his stay last summer and had never had the nerve to ask Liam for it back.

He held it up to his face and inhaled. It smelled like Liam. He knew he could never wear this now. He wanted to put in the box that sat on the floor, but instead he pressed it to his chest.

"Lads." Zayn spoke up. "I think it's time we be honest here. Somethings not right about all of this."

Niall and Harry glanced at each other before looking over to Zayn. "It was an accident," Harry recited like the pretty little Sycho songbird that he was. "He mixed his medication with alcohol."

Zayn actually rolled his eyes. "And he got rid of every one of his belongings except a book and a hat? That's just a great coincidence."

"It's erm- it's my hat, actually." Niall spoke up. "Left it here when I stayed for a couple weeks last summer."

"Didn't know you stayed here last summer." Harry said suddenly. Niall jerked towards him, eyes flashing.

"Didn't know you stayed here last month." He shot back. "Funny how that works? That we don't tell each other everything?"

"You-" Zayn coughed for a moment. "You were here last month? Before he-"

"Yeah." Harry ran his hands over his face. "Yeah. I actually was the one who found him- and it was an accident."

Niall let out a high pitched, almost hysterical, burst of laughter. He soon couldn't stop himself from giggling, until he sunk down to the floor and covered his face with his hat that smelled like Liam. He laughed until he cried and struggled to breathe. Harry and Zayn were both staring at him like he was a mental case.

"Is he alright?" Zayn asked Harry over the sound of Niall's hysterical, uncontrollable laughter.

"Don't think so." Harry said, sounding panicked. Now that only made Niall laugh all the harder, of course. "Niall? Niall, mate, you alright?"

"It's just funny, yeah?" Niall choked out, wiping at the laughter tears that had leaked from his eyes. "Such a stupid accident. You'd think he'd have known better. Smart, reasonable Liam- always doing what was  _ best _ for the  _ band _ ."

Harry made a small, pained noise in the back of his throat. Niall knew that had been a low blow and he almost regretted it.

"He did." Zayn spoke up suddenly. "Liam probably did more for the best interested of the band then you even know."

There was soft, sad smile that had ghosted over Zayn's face and Niall narrowed his eyes. "What do you know, Malik?"

"What do  _ you  _ know?" Zayn challenged him right back, the return of his arrogance making Niall want to scream. Niall glanced at Harry and saw similar look of annoyance on his face.

"How about since we didn't invite you here, you tell us what you know and maybe we won't make you get the fuck out of here, yeah, mate?" Niall said.

Zayn raised a single eyebrow and frowned. "I know that Liam's death wasn't an accident."

"What?" Niall asked, throat dry and feeling very much like it might close up entirely. From his peripheral vision, he could see Harry gaping at Zayn as though he'd grown two extra heads. Any hint of a smirk that might have been left on Zayn's face vanished then and transformed back into the somber, sad former friend that had shown up on the door step.

"Harry, you asked the last time I talked to Liam." Zayn said, brushing his hand across his mouth. "It was the night he died."

Harry let out a gasp that Niall barely registered. His entire body felt like it had been dunked in ice water. His hands trembled and he pulled his knees up to his chest. All the laughter- hysterical or not- that Niall had just had vanished as though it had never been there. As though he had never laughed before, and would never laugh again.

"He called me," Zayn was saying now. "Thought it was odd so I answered, only what he was saying was even more odd. Couldn't really understand him, truthfully, he was talking quite a bit of rubbish and he was slurring. I figured he was just pissed so I let him spew his rubbish at me. Still couldn't tell you much of what he said. Apologized a lot, told me he missed me, yeah? Said he still loved me…" Zayn inhaled deeply and looked over to Niall with deep remorse. "Said your name a lot too, Niall. Keep talking about how he needed to fix it? Or maybe that he needed to make it up to you? I didn't know what he was on about, o' course."

Niall squeezed his eyes shut. Images he'd been trying to force away for the better part of a year came flooding into his mind. Liam laughing, crinkly eyes and all, and Niall remembered the feeling of pride that rushed through him when he saw that. The way Liam had leaned in close, but Niall had been the one who closed the space. Him pushing Liam down against the cushions, taking his time, taking Liam apart piece by piece. His skin burned with the memory. And remembered telling Liam the next morning at breakfast that he needed to fly back to Ireland that day, refusing to meet Liam's eyes. How he'd been unable to look up and see the pain there, knowing that if he saw it that he'd never be able to leave. Niall had been the who'd crossed the line and then walked away. Liam had had nothing to make up to him for, but of course the bloody idiot had blamed himself. He was the worst person in the world.

"Did he say he was going to kill himself?" Harry was asking Zayn but the entire conversation felt to Niall has though it was happening from very far away. He could barely even hear them.

"Of course not! It didn't even cross my mind until Ta- until I was told that he was gone."

"And who told you that?"

"Harry..."

"Who  _ told  _ you?"

"Taylor did."

Niall groaned quietly, smacking his head back against the white book shelf. His head already throbbed, and it felt as though he travelled many miles without moving. He was short of breath and had broken out in the sweat. His eyes fluttered closed and he tried to pull himself together.

"Shit! Niall, hey Nialler, look at me." Harry's voice called him and Niall tried to open his eyes, he really did, but nothing happened. "Niall!  _ Niall!" _

It took many calls from Zayn and Harry both before Niall managed to pry his own eyes open and look at them. Both of their faces were coated with concern, and Harry's hand was pressed to the side of Niall's face. Niall swatted it away.

"You alright, mate?" Zayn asked quietly. "You looked right ghostly there for a mo."

Niall shook his head, willing his nausea to go away. "Fine. 'M fine."

"You don't look fine, Niall." Harry said softly. "You should probably lie down-"

"What? In Liam's bed?" Niall shot back, voice as strong as he could get it. "I'll pass on the morbid trip down memory lane, thanks, Haz."

Harry just frowned and stood up. He walked towards the kitchen without turning around once. Niall gave Zayn a withering look. "What did you have to bring up Taylor for?"

"Didn't mean to." Zayn groaned. "It just sort of slipped out. You know, she's really not that-"

"Save it for somebody who'll believe it, Malik." Niall said, finally pushing to his feet. He managed to stand for an award winning five seconds before the room spun and he had to clutch onto Zayn just to keep himself from getting a concussion from the damn floor.

"Harry!" Zayn called frantically and, as predictably as could be, Harry came sprinting into the room. He told one look at Niall in Zayn's arms and practically flew over to the other boys. Harry and Zayn moved Niall over to sit on the couch, despite his protests the entire way over about how fine he was.

"You're not fine, what the hell happened?" Zayn demanded.

Niall just shook his head, pressing a hand to his mouth to keep the bile down. He couldn't handle sitting on this couch, he could practically feel Liam's body withering underneath him at this exact moment. "Nothing." He said, swallowing a mouth full of vomit and cringing. "Just… Liam, you know?  _ Liam." _

"I know, mate. I know." Zayn said, running fingers through Niall's sweaty hair.

_ You don't know,  _ Niall thought bitterly.  _ And nobody ever can. _

Before anybody could say another word, the front door burst open and Louis Tomlinson came rushing into the flat. He turned to the living room, almost smiling for the first time in too long, before his eyes landed on Zayn and his entire expression soured. "What the  _ fuck  _ is he doing here?"

"Lou…" Harry said warningly.

Louis held his hand up in an attempt to silence Harry- a motion that Niall had never seen actually work by the way- and his eyes flashed. "Nothing from you right now, Harold, cheers. Niall, what is he doing here?"

Niall rolled his eyes. "Liam is dead."

"Oh, you don't say?" Louis sneered at him. "That's quite interesting, why was I yet to be informed?"

"Don't be a prick, Louis." Harry said. "Zayn came over to help clear out Liam's flat."

"If I remember correctly," Niall said. " _ You  _ didn't want to help."

Louis looked around the empty flat with a mock fascination. "Well, it seems like you lads and Zayn have done quite well without my help. So, I guess I'll just be going then since I'm clearly not needed."

"We haven't done anything yet." Zayn said loudly. Louis stopped from where he'd already turned away and glanced over his shoulder with narrowed eyes.

"What do you mean you haven't done anything yet?" Louis asked. "This whole bloody place is empty. There's not a thing in here!"

"It was like that when we all got here." Zayn said while Niall and Harry nodded in confirmation. "It seems that Liam got rid of all his stuff before died. All of it."

Louis inhaled deeply and dropped himself down into the large arm chair. "Wasn't an accident, was it?"

Harry looked over at Niall, a deep expression on his face. Niall sighed and shifted slightly, pulling the note out of his back pocket and started to read.

_ "Hey, so, I guess I'm just assuming Niall will find this. If anybody would think about it, it's you…" _

"Bloody hell." Zayn breathed out. Niall didn't stop reading until he reached the same place he and Harry had had to stop at.

"And that's as far as we got." Niall closed the letter, not letting himself see what else had been written. Not letting himself see if Liam had talked about their night.

"He had to…" Louis's hands were shaking and he suddenly frowned. "You were staying with him though! We were… and you were… how did this happen?"

Harry swallowed hard. "I… went out. To a pub. Just needed a bit of break. Was only gone a few hours but I guess that was…."

"Damn it, Harry!" Louis punched the armrest of his chair and Zayn looked he was going to be sick but Niall was just confused.

"Wait, Harry, wait." Niall turned to the person he'd thought to be his friend. "Were you staying with Liam because you thought he was going to do something like this?"

"It was a concern." Harry said and Niall's entire world really started to crumble. "We'd been worried about him for a while, I guess. Since our last tour, really. It was part of the reason we fought so hard for the hiatus- among other reasons."

"I…" Niall gaped at his friends, at an utter loss for words. Since back on  _ tour?  _ How had Niall not known, not seen? He  _ should've  _ seen. 

“It before that.” Zayn said meakly. “There were a few times during our third tour when I was worried, too. Things he said or did. I never should have left him.” 

It went to show how bad things were when Louis didn't snap at Zayn about how Liam wasn't the only person he had left, like Niall had half expected Louis to. 

Harry was fidgeting with one of his many over-the-top rings and it seemed like Louis and Zayn were desperately avoiding each other's gazes. Niall sighed, leaning back to stare up At the ceiling and marvelled that this probably was the last time he'd ever be in this flat. A small stab of sadness made it's way through the numbness that had come over Niall. 

“I'm going to start reading again.” Niall said, looking back down at Liam’s letter. Zayn looked at him with a look dripping with sympathy while Louis was looking at him in fear. Harry didn't look at him at all. 

_ “I don't blame Danielle for anything that went wrong in my life, I can't blame anyone but me for that. Our relationship had been messy, and I knew how hard it was for her with me being on tour all the time. It would strain even the strongest loves, and I don't think Dani and I were ever that.  _

_ So I don't hold Dani responsible for what's happened, I forgave her a long time ago but it would be a lie to say it didn't change me. If Niall restored my faith that good people existed then Dani reminded me that good people still did bad things. Really, that's when I started to give up. I mean, I shaved my head. Isn't that on the top of every list of warning signs ever? Guess I'm as predictable as Louis always said. Giving up on myself because I got cheated on. Sounds pretty ridiculous when you really think on it. Mental, really.  _

_ But after Dani, I changed. I threw myself into my working out and trying to make myself into a better person. I couldn't help thinking that it happened because I wasn't good enough and I was determined to be good enough for somebody someday.” _

“Christ.” Zayn cursed under his breath. “I didn't realize she fucked him up so bad.” 

“You're really going to talk about cheating fucking somebody up?” Harry challenged him. “Least Liam and Dani weren't bloody engaged.” 

Louis shot Harry a small, almost pride smile while Zayn looked as though Harry had kicked him in the throat. Niall cleared his throat and kept reading. 

_ “It wasn't like I gave up on girls after Dani, or anything. I still had flings and there was Sophia- who really helped  me figure out what I didn't want- but it was different after Dani. I shifted my attention to me and once that got a little too scary the things that caught my attention definitely weren't like Dani.  _

_ What happened between Danielle and I was probably a good thing if you squint your eyes and I wouldn't take back a second I spent with her but she got me where I am today. I was thinking of leaving the band to make things work with her and who knows where I would've ended up then?”  _

“I didn't know he was going to leave for her.” Louis said, sounding almost put out. 

“I did.” Harry and Zayn said in unison. Louis so betrayed that Harry sighed. “Well you weren't really friends with him back then, were you?”

Louis looked at Niall, scandalized, but Niall just shrugged. “Seems like Li didn't tell me anything at all,” Niall said cooly. 

“Reckon he was trying to protect you,” Zayn said softly. “He never really grew out of that habit.” 

“Not sure what he thought he was protecting me from,” Niall said bitterly. 

“Himself.” Harry replied, his voice deeper than usual. Maybe a little bit hoarse. 

“Well. I never asked him to!” Niall snapped. He put the papers down to censor himself from ripping them to shreds. “I never asked him to act like I didn't care or wouldn't understand or…” 

“That wasn't it, Nialler,” Zayn said. “It wasn't anything like that at all. It was just… Being around you was probably one of the few pure things that make- made him happy, you know? I don't think he wanted to dampen that by telling you all the bad things he didn't even want to think about, yeah? He loved you.” 

Niall gagged, trembling from head to toe. The letter fell from his lap. 

“It wasn't an insult that he didn't tell you,” Louis agreed. “I know it might seem like he didn't trust you but really-” 

Thats when Niall kicked over the glass coffee table. It flipped and shattered into thousands of pieces as smashed back against the ground. Louis cut off speaking and the three boys all jumped. 

 

Barely able to see straight and chest heaving, Niall launched himself to his feet. He threw  himself to the closest wall and smashed his fist right into it. He yanked it out just to smash it back in again. And again. And again. 

 

“Niall!” Harry was shouting. “Enough!” 

 

Niall marched into the kitchen, blinded by what he figured must be tears, and yanked open the cardboard to reveal the dishes. The stupid, telltale dishes. He grabbed them each one by one- all fucking three- and threw them to the floor. He relished into the small flair of satisfaction he got from watching the glass shatter against the pile wood. 

 

He search frantically around the kitchen for something else to throw, breathing erratic, but found nothing. That's when Niall finally allowed himself to scream. 

 

He didn't know how long he screamed for, but when he finally stopped his throat felt ripped raw and mouth tasted a little like blood. He'd dropped to the floor at some point and pulled his knees up to his chest. Harry was hovering just inches away while Louis and Zayn both stood in the archway. 

 

When Harry kneeled slowly in front of him, Niall broke down into sobs and fell limp in Harry’s arms. 

 

“Oh, Niall.” Harry whispered. “What is going on?” 

 

Niall couldn't physically answer Harry eveen if he had wanted to. His body was wrecked with sobs, shaking and jerking, while Harry held him tight. 

 

“Aww, fuck.” He vaguely heard Louis say before another pair of arms draped around him. Only a short moment passed before Zayn joined the clump on the floor. 

 

“I'm sorry,” Harry was crying too, right into Niall’s hair. “I'm sorry, Niall, I'm so sorry.” 

 

Niall just held Harry harder, ignoring everyone and everything else. “I fucked up,” Niall wheezed into Harry’s neck. “I really fucked up, Harry. It's my fault. I could've saved him.” 

 

“Reckon that's why he never told you, mate.” Harry said, pulling away. His cheeks were flushed and tear streated. “Liam didn't want you to save him.”

 

Niall remembed the way Liam had smiled after they'd kissed, and knew Harry was wrong. “Maybe he did. I just didn't listen.” 

 

Harry stroked Niall’s back and hummed the tune to  _ You and I _ softly into his ear until Niall’s shaking stopped. His friends pulled away and then it was just the four of them sitting on Liam’s kitchen floor. 

 

“Reckon we should tell the landlord it's all good here,” Louis said meekly. “Seeing as Niall just broke everything we needed to take with us besides blankets.” 

 

Niall chuckled lightly before frowning. “I think we should finish reading Liam’s letter here,” he said. “That way we can decided what comes with us and what dies here too.”

 

Only Zayn looked like he wanted to argue so the four of them got up and walked into the living room, dropping to lay in a circle on the floor. 

 

“You want to keep reading, Nialler, or do you think you need a break?” Harry asked gently.

 

“My throat is bloody ripped raw,” Niall croaked truthfully. He felt Harry chuckle beside him. 

 

“Can I read?” Louis asked tentatively. Nobody argued it and so Louis rolled over and found the letter. 

 

_ “Who knows where I would've ended up then? _

_ Now, of course, I can't imagine having left the band and not experiencing any of this stuff. All the good times with the lads. Touring, the music, everything was brilliant. Absolutely incredible as Louis would say.  _

_ When we stopped the band- took our break- I knew it was because of me. Because Harry was worried about me, probably Louis too. Wasn't as careful with them, let them see that things weren't quite right. They never said they were trying to protect me but I knew they were. They weren't subtle.  _

_ So I agreed, yeah? Niall fought the hardest, he didn't want to take a break and it was hard to go against what Niall wanted. We also promised it was temporary, that we'd get back together once we'd taken time for ourselves.  _

_ I knew then it was a lie and I can now promise you it was a lie.”  _

Louis exhaled hard. “That fucker,” he hissed without venom. “If he knew the hiatus would be worse for him then why did he let us take it?” 

“Because it's  _ Liam.”  _ Harry said, cuddling into a ball with his head rested on Niall’s shoulder. Niall tilted his head so it rested on top of Harry’s. 

Louis cleared his throat.  _ “The break wasn't all bad. Messing around in the studio myself was great, finding new sounds. Got an album sitting in the studio, maybe you'll release it someday. Or maybe not. Keep it for yourself or never even listen to it. I'll never know the difference.  _

_ I missed the boys though, I'd gotten so used to having them around for the majoritry of our time that it was discomforting to be alone. I missed Harry’s stupid puns and Louis messing around with pranks and shit. And I missed everything about Niall. Their absence hung on me everyday, it was worst and emptiest feeling I could ever imagine.  _

_ Well all tried to meet up but everyone got so busy. And some of the few times we got together could be seen as… troublesome. Tabloid worthy if we got caught.”  _

Niall sucked in a deep breath. 

_ “I was going to write about but I find even know that I can't. I don't want to ruin it. You'd think that it would already be ruined for me after how it ended but it still sticks out as one of the few times I was truly happy in my lifetime. And definitely the last time.  _

_ It was both a push off the edge and a reason to smile at my life. You made things good and I don't ever want you to think I hold a thing against you. I don't hold anything against anyone: not Dani, not Zayn, not any of the kids who bullied me in school. And certainly not you. Never you. _

_ Don't ever blame yourself, any of you. Don't let this rest on your shoulders as things you should have done or said. It's not your fault.”  _

“Why’d you stop?” Harry mumbled into Niall’s neck. 

“That's the end.” Louis said thickly. Harry peeked up from Niall, leaning forward so he rested on Niall’s stomach. “He ended by telling us not to blame ourselves.” 

“Wish it were that easy,” Niall said. Zayn and Louis both let out sharp laughs but Harry turned to look up at Niall. 

“What happened when you visited Liam last summer?” Harry asked him. “What's your blame?” 

Niall frowned, letting an arm come up and drape around Harry’s body. “Liam and I sort of had a… Moment. I blew it, freaked out a bit. Well, more than a bit.” 

“Woudda freaked out too, mate,” Louis pitched in. “Hooking up with band mates have a bad history.” 

“Oh, that's _ funny _ .” Harry sneered. “Right witty you are.”

Zayn cleared his throat. “Okay, I don't know what happened between you two but I can tell you it's not worth it. I'm sure the Tumblr girls got enough right, they always do-” 

“You read up on us on Tumblr?” Harry asked, his voice light and cheerful. Zayn’s cheeks coloured slightly and he smiled. 

“Just did a bit of snooping after it was obvious something went wonky with you and Lou.” Zayn said. “Wasn't like youd have answered my texts if I asked and I wanted to know what happened. Course, it wasn't that helpful. Harry’s album was better.” 

“Yeah.” Louis rolled his eyes. “Thank for that, Haz.”

“There was some nice stuff on there.” Harry said cockily. 

“ _ I'm having your baby!”  _ Niall sang loudly. “ _ It's none of your business!” _

“That songs not about Louis, ya prick!” Harry laughed, swatting at Niall’s chest. “Bloody hell.”

“What  _ is  _ that song about, mate?” Zayn asked, chuckling. “Could never figure that out.”

“ _ Alone she comes home to a cactus, in a black dress, she's such an actress,”  _ Louis repeated Harry’s lyrics in a dramatic, teasing tone. “I mean, what are you on about?” 

Harry whined, buiring his head into the crock of Niall’s neck. Niall laughed and cuddled Harry slightly. “Awe, Hazza, I thought your album was brilliant.”

“Absolutely incredible.” Zayn, Louis and Harry all said in unison, both Zayn and Harry speaking in mocking tones. 

“Okay, rude,” Louis said. He paused, then frowned. “Do I really say it that often?” 

“Yes.” Everybody else responded at once, grinning. Louis huffed and rolled his eyes. They all sat in silence for several long moments before Niall pressed his face into Harry’s messy hair. 

“I wish Liam was here.” He said softly, feeling Harry hug him tighter. “I miss him so much, you know? I missed him before he was… gone.” 

Louis and Zayn crawled over and Niall was suddenly wrapped up in a four person cuddle. He didn't know how long they stayed there, curled up on Liam’s flat floor. 

Finally, Louis broke the comfortable silence. “What are we going to do about this? The whole world thinks it was an accident, his family thinks…” 

“I want to say we should tell. Make a statement.” Harry sighed. “But I'm not sure we can. And I don't know, it might be easier to believe that Liam’s death was just a terrible, tragic accident.”

“Yeah,” Niall sighed, realizing that somehow he'd been happier this morning. “But do we just go about life pretending we don't know anything? That this never happened?” 

“Not sure I can do that.” Zayn said. 

“We won't,” Louis assured him. “We know what really happened and we heard what Liam had to say. We won't ever forget it or ignore it.”

They all acknowledged this quietly before Niall took the letter and stood. The boys followed him out into the kitchen. He subtlety tucked a single piece into his back pocket. 

“Lighter?” Niall asked, holding his hand out behind him. Somebody- Zayn or Louis, no doubt- dropped one into his palm. Niall held the letter over the garbage can. He lit it, holding it in his hand as it burned until his hand became at risk. He dropped the burning papers into the bin and closed the lid, riding it of the oxygen it needed. 

Niall turned back to three tearful friends and walked over, tossing an arm around Harry’s shoulder. “Alright, lads, lets go.” 

Twenty minutes later, they had every one of Liam’s few belongings gathered in their arms. Niall was behind the rest of the lads, giving the room a single last lingering look. 

He closed the door on Liam with a bittersweet smile. 

**...And when I'm gone just carry on**

**Don't mourn, rejoice**

**Every time you hear the sound of my voice**

**Know that I'm staring down at you smiling**

**And I didn't feel a thing**

**So baby don't feel my pain**

**Just smile back**


End file.
